Behind the Song: How Easily

My fear around becoming a mother was always tied up with my fear that my life would be over once a child was in the picture. Over in the sense that I would have to give up on all the things I wanted to accomplish that did not involve cooking, cleaning, and playground dates.

I mostly staved off my fear before my first daughter came by manically throwing myself into my work. For the three years before I became pregnant, I poured myself into a boutique branding agency in Harlem I founded with my dearest friend, and worked with over a hundred clients/small businesses to tell their stories. I was desperate to prove in any way possible that I had succeeded in something before giving in to the world of breastfeeding and diapers.

I was desperate because in my mind I had failed in my first dream: becoming a somewhat sustainable artist. After years of pounding the pavement — going to countless auditions and playing at downtown NYC cafes every weekend — I had burnt out and thrown in the towel, concluding: I’m just not good enough. What I had loved doing my whole life had seemed no longer viable to me, and I was heartbroken, but afraid to admit it. So I started downplaying the role of music and acting in my life to anyone I met. “Oh yeah, it’s just something I used to do… Anyway, what do you do?”

I was living in mild denial, but far preferred hiding my desires than frankly admitting that there is something I love to do, but just don’t think I’m good enough to do it.

Then Mia came, and I couldn’t throw myself into my work anymore. Day after day, especially in the early months when she was not the most avid conversation partner, we would just lay side by side on my carpet floors and wait for time to pass. With the little sleep and support at the time, I was too tired to do anything, but not too tired for my mind to spin, spin, spin:

I miss making music.

I miss songwriting.

I’m not very happy.

I don’t know what to do from here.

From these spinning thoughts, I wrote How Easily.

Lyrics:

How easily the fear creeps in
How easily I hide
How desperately I cover my desire
With a veil that dulls the pain of falling down 

Down I go because the fear of falling is the force that drags me down I go
Frightened of the shadow showing just how far I am
From where I want to be

How quietly you look at me
You have no words, you just have eyes
How long have we been trying not to cry
But then we hear a sudden noise and waters fall 

Down it pours for you because you’re tired of the carpet floors
Down it pours for me because I’m tired of the peeling painted walls
It’s not where I want to be

Down I lay you in your bed, I wonder if you know that I am very scared
That I may be a mother, I’m still caught up in despair
I don’t know how to be

When you wake up I’ll be here, regardless of my quiet fears
I’ll still be here, looking at your unbelievably relentless eyes
It’s where I want to be